but I'm not.
fuck you.
Seriously.

I'll never apologize for any one thing I said.
Because I wasn't wrong.

If I said it,
I meant it.
At least once.

At least when I said it,
I meant every last sylabol.

So no,
I'm not sorry.
and if you feel
like I should feel bad,
or embarrassed,
or guilty,
for what I said...
I'm not that upset about my emotions.
they come,
and they go.

If you feel like I should make some sort of apology..
...then you probably shouldn't be talking to me.
Because...

i don't even know the rest of that sentence.

If what I say,
makes you uncomfortable,
then don't read it.

the end.


You have a nice life,
k?
:D

"Mommy, you tell me how to spell your name.
I'm going to write it down."

"okay.
R."

rosie writes down an 'r' in her funny little kindergartener handwritting.

"E."

rosie writes it down..

"B."

she's giggling now as she writes.
She's so excited about using all of her new knowledge.

"E."

"another 'e'??  You have two 'e's in your name mommy?"

"No Rose, it's a 'b'.  There's 2 b's in your name beckers."

"what?! no.  r-e-b-e-c-c-a."  there's not two 'b's.  Just the one..."

"UMM!  I'm your mother and I think I know how to spell your name.
r-e-b-b-e-c-a"

I sit there and look at her with my mouth hanging open for a minute.
This is too much.
.Overload.

"No, I can show you my social security card, I--"

"I don't need to see your social security card.  I know how to spell your name.
There's two 'b's Rosie."

...and then I started laughing.
And I couldn't stop.
This was just. too. much.


And there was little Rose,
with her pencil poised.
Looking at us like we're both insane.

I always want to save something beautiful.

Not just phsycal beauty.
That's not want I'm talking about.

sometimes I wish I could blink my eyes and take a picture.
To always be ready..
capture every moment.

Or record it.
Maybe a picture's not enough.

Or to listen to some sweet words for the rest of you life and have it with you always.
And you could share it.
"here, look what I have."

But I guess I'm wrong to want that.
I guess part of the beauty in the moments you can't capture
are the way you remember them in your heart
and in your mind.

And if you had access to these things..
maybe it would tarnish the special thought of it.
Maybe these things arn't meant to be shared.

Some days I wake up uncomfortable in my own skin...
when this happens, I immeadiately know my day is doomed.
Something's going to happen today....something BAD.
...the world's going to crumble...everything's going to fall apart...my air will be sucked away from me and I'll be standing there alone.  With nothing I can do about any of it.

...this is the mood I woke up in this morning.  Normally, nothing too bad happens.  But I never let that small fact stop me from living my day in complete fear.

Along with walking through my day afraid of what's around every corner, I also spend time marveling at human failures. 

The first one that snagged my attention today was a man who had this amazing ability to hold an entire conversation without once listening to what the other person said to him.  ...why does anyone even try to talk to him?  Clearly he only wants to talk his problems out on his own, at you. 

The next one was a super chipper ass hole who over explains everything and actted as if every word that came out of my mouth was a golden nugget of knowledge that no one else on this entire fucking planet could have bestowed on him. 
So overly enthusiastic and optimistic while he talks to you that it could make your fucking eye twitch.  ...I have no problem believing that he probably beats his wife.  ...he probably kicks his dog, too.

I don't know why I get so cynical on these days...it's like the whole world's a dump.

****if you don't want to read about me buying a tampon stop reading now****

that was the disclaimer.

So, I walk into the ladies room today because I came to work ...unprepaired...
I needed to buy a tampon and I knew there's hardly ever anyone in this SPECIFIC bathroom, so I thought I'd go for it.

The forces were against me today.

I felt so awkward about this.
Buying a tampon in the ladies room.
God knows I can turn something pretty routine into a horrible over thought situation.
.....I decided I would make this a sneak attack
unseen....
...unheard...
in and out.

I knew there were problems when I walked in the bathroom and heard someone else's feet shuffling. 
I already had my quarter in hand. 
(remember, this was a sneak attack.  I came prepaired.)
Still, even with the sound of occupancy,
I figured I could walk over to the machine, drop my quarter in, get my merch, and step into a stall without being found out.
smooth operation.

...unfortunately I'm not a smooth operator.
I didn't want the other person to come SHOOTING out of their stall before I made my transaction and hid saftly behind my own door...
...... because then she'd look at me standing there buying a tampon and she'd KNOW.
So in a rush I accidently dropped my quarter into the wrong side of the machine and got a 'feminine napkin'
...whatever.
I wasn't comfortable with this, but I didn't have a choice.

So, I went to my stall and I hear the other person flush...sweet.  if I hurried I could get out there, get a tampon, and get back in my stall before someone else came in.

So when I heard her leave, I flushed the toilet, yanked up my pants and took another quarter to the machine.  

I was turning the dispenser thing and fortunately another lady walked in.
I turned in surprize and looked her right in the eyes just in time for my tampon to come FLYING out of the machine and smack against the floor.

You should have seen the look on her face...it was a mixture of shock and disdain.
the look that confirmed that I was RIGHT to feel awkward about buying tampons
at work
out of the damn machine. 
THIS BUILDING PROBLEY HAD AN UNWRITTEN LADY LAW ABOUT IT AND I JUST GOT BUSTED.

She went into her stall and i walked back into mine...
very very slowly it started hitting me....
first my ears..
...then my nose.
.......
.....
....she wasn't disgusted with my bathroom purchase.

she needed to poop.

and had expected solitude until she saw me. 

so I washed my hands and left before the smell got too bad.

I never knew what it was. Not exactly. And I didn't have a way to explain it to you. I couldn't even explain it to myself. But the thought process had changed. While you were there. The racing was gone. I was quite inside. ...except for you. And the things that mattered. ...and now there's the change. The second one. And I don't know what to do. I want to reach out to you. I want you to know that this didn't change it for me. And I can't say I truely believe it changed it for you either. I don't know how to reach out to you now. You made your request. I left when you asked me to. I swallowed every urge. And now everything's racing again.